Poor Peter Newkirk
by Aguachica
Summary: Newkirk gets a fangirl. Now how can he get rid of her? Emily and friends are the ultimate fangirls and will do anything to get their heroes.
1. Poor Peter Newkirk

Poor Peter Newkirk  
  
By Aguachica  
  
Disclaimer: Please note that I do not own anything. I own Nnnnothing!  
  
I would also like to add that reviews are accepted. Reviews are liked. Well, reviews are lapped up with adoration, shall we say.  
  
  
  
It was the year 2002. Emily sat at her computer, admiring her picture of Peter Newkirk. He was just too handsome! She gave the background image a gentle kiss.  
  
As she touched it, she was sucked into a whirlpool. Or at least that's what she thought it felt like. She had never been sucked into a whirlpool before, except in her computer game. She barely had time to grab her 59 pictures of Richard Dawson as Corporal Peter Newkirk (the love of her life). Then everything turned black.  
  
  
  
Emily opened her eyes. Hmmm. So that's why everything was black. My eyes were closed. She thought. The she noticed she was falling. From pretty far up, too. She said her last words just in case. "Eeeeek!!!"  
  
Luckily, she landed on a rather soft surface. General Burkhalter lay facedown in the mud, knocked senseless by the unexpected bump of Emily using him as a landing strip.  
  
Hogan had come out with the rest of his gang to see what Burkhalter wanted. Seeing Burkhalter getting clobbered by a girl falling out of the sky was too much for them. Only Hogan was able to keep his composure, though tears of laughter were streaming from his eyes. Sergeant Andrew Carter was on the ground, rolling with laughter. He bumped into Newkirk while he was there, tripping the Englishman and sending him sprawling. That was okay; as Newkirk had been close to collapse anyway. Sergeant James Ivan Kinchloe and Corporal Louis LeBeau were leaning on each other for support, as they literally howled with laughter.  
  
Colonel Wilhelm Klink stepped out of his office at that moment. He nearly fainted at the sight. He immediately started screaming orders at the world in general.  
  
The prisoners quickly got over their mirth at the thought of the Cooler. They could leave the Cooler at any time, but it was funner to be legally out. Burkhalter's guards shoved a dazed Emily off of their superior officer. Then, panting with effort, they carried Burkhalter to the guest quarters to recover.  
  
The guards immediately took Emily to the cooler, after looking up to see if any more girls were going to knock out anyone else. Emily was seeing spots and she had no clue where she was. She was soon to find out.  
  
  
  
General Burkhalter opened the door to the outside world cautiously. After looking up, he stepped out and quickly put up an umbrella. After a long rest, he was ready to speak to Klink and get outta the prison camp. Every time he came here, something bad happened to him or to Germany in general.  
  
He raced to Klink's office and dived inside, slamming the door after him. He walked to Klink and puffed out a message. "That girl.She will now be a prisoner of war.I don't even want her interrogated.just put her in a barracks.put her in with Hogan.let him put up with her.let me out of here!"  
  
Burkhalter raced out of the office and leapt into his car. He started the car and went tearing out of the camp, leaving his personal guards running after the speeding car.  
  
  
  
Emily was brought to barracks 2. The guard left her there. "Welcome to Stalag 13! Meet your new companions!" Hogan said.  
  
Emily looked at the men he was referring to. Inevitably, she spied Newkirk. "NEWKIRK!!!!!!!!!" She screeched. She made a mad dash for the terrified POW and jumped into his arms. He caught her instinctively; catching her was the easy part, putting her down was tricky.  
  
Newkirk tried to set her down, but she had a grip on him unlike any death grip he had ever felt. He then tried to drop her by taking his hands off her, but she didn't move. He turned his head to try to avoid her kisses. "COLONEL HOGAN! HELP!"  
  
Hogan was puzzled. This was not anything he had expected. Newkirk was crying for his help; actually the Englishman was now asking for help from him, one of the heroes, a prisoner, and he was now asking for a Gestapo guard. He would soon accept help from Hitler himself.  
  
Hogan finally motioned to his team. They all ran over and tried to pry Emily from Newkirk. Eventually, Kinchloe grabbed LeBeau's footlocker and began beating her over the head with it. He only accomplished putting a large dent in the footlocker.  
  
"Hey," cried LeBeau, his eyes wide "You broke my footlocker! Why didn't you use your own footlocker?"  
  
"Sorry, Louie. I didn't think about that."  
  
"You wouldn't." grumbled LeBeau.  
  
Hogan ran over and gave Emily a picture of Newkirk, and she promptly fainted. They were then able to pry her off with a crowbar.  
  
After he was freed, Newkirk made a sprinting world record! He dashed to Hogan's quarters. The heroes could hear the audible sound of the door being locked and barricaded.  
  
Hogan went up to the door and knocked. "Newkirk, it's Colonel Hogan. She is out of it. Would you like to come out?"  
  
Newkirk's muffled voice came back to him. "No, go away. I won't come out until someone shoots that rabid beast."  
  
Hogan sighed in surrender. "Okay, Newkirk. Suit yourself. We'll check on you tomorrow. I'll be sleeping on your bunk. Maybe you can open the door in a few hours, just to get your dinner?"  
  
"I'll think about it." Was all the response Hogan got. This was definitely not an ordinary - or fun - day. Hogan then turned his attention to the unconscious girl.  
  
"Okay, men. Here's what we do. We'll tie her feet to the bunk Carter and I will be sleeping in. Just for precaution, we'll tie her hands behind her back and to our footlocker."  
  
No one took a step forward to tie her up. Hogan winced and did it himself.  
  
  
  
Newkirk opened the door to the rest of the barracks. LeBeau nodded to the sleeping fan girl, who was tied to the bunk and Carter's footlocker. Carter was taking a nap on his bunk. Newkirk saw a large plate full of LeBeau's delicious cooking. He decided to risk a quick trip out to get food.  
  
As Newkirk quietly closed the door and moved toward the food, Emily sat bolt upright. "NEWKIRK!!!!" She screamed, foaming at the mouth. Newkirk leapt forward, grabbed the food, and dashed back to the room, running over LeBeau on his way. Emily flew off her cot and raced toward the door.  
  
"HELP!" Screamed Carter, as his bunk was towed across the room at 100 miles per hour. He made crash landing on the floor and was immediately run over by his footlocker. Rabid Fan girls have super-strength when they are on the hunt!  
  
Hogan ran to where Carter was lying on the floor. "Ooof" Ooofed Carter. Hogan helped him up. He didn't seem to be badly injured. Then Hogan went to check on LeBeau, who had been run over by Newkirk. LeBeau seemed to have gotten a boot in his face, as he could wiggle several teeth. His nose was also broken, and squashed flat. He was very angry. Then Hogan went over to Emily, who was trying to break down the door.  
  
Hogan took her, opened the footlocker, and put her inside of it. Then he locked it. He was severely tempted to put a label on it that said to the Gestapo without love on it and ship her off express to Gestapo Headquarters in Berlin. After all, she had injured two of his men and had another one too terrified to show himself.  
  
Then an idea came to him. Kinch looked at him with curious eyes. "What are you gonna do about her, Colonel? I don't think Newkirk can last much longer in there. I don't think LeBeau's gonna offer him any more meals, after that experience."  
  
Hogan almost danced with excitement. "I know what to do! Where's Carter?"  
  
Carter wobbled up; he was unable to walk in a straight line. "I'm here, Colonel. What do ya want, sir?"  
  
Hogan's face lit up. "Carter, my friend, what's the most powerful explosives you have? Wait. What are the most powerful explosives the world has made so far?"  
  
Kinch rolled his eyes and stepped forward. "Colonel, I don't think that would be very humane. I also don't think that London would appreciate you blowing up Stalag 13." Kinch mentally added 'and us'.  
  
Hogan still looked hopeful. "Well, maybe we could tie her to a rock and throw her off a cliff?"  
  
Kinch firmly shook his head. "No violence, sir. But I think I have a plan. LeBeau is the smallest, we're gonna get him to sneak around to the window in your - sorry, Newkirk's - quarters. He will take Newkirk's hat and coat. We will tell Emily that if she will leave, we will give them to her. We will stuff her in Burkhalter's car next time he comes. Now that that's done, you should go get some rest, Colonel Hogan, sir."  
  
It was a great idea.  
  
  
  
LeBeau was dressed entirely in black, except for the large bandage that was holding his nose in shape. He hated to help Newkirk after the trampling he had given him, but it was Kinch's order.  
  
He slipped under the windowsill and tapped it softly. The tap barely made a noise, but Newkirk was so tense that he jumped anyway. He peeked out the window and relaxed when he saw it was only LeBeau. "Hey, Louis. What is it?" He suddenly noticed the large bandage on his friend's nose. "What happened to your nose, mate? Did you get into a fight?"  
  
LeBeau was shocked - not to mention angry - that Newkirk didn't know what happened. "Don't you remember, mon ami?" He said in a kind voice. Then his voice got considerably less kind. "I was attacked by a filthy Englishman, who happens to be a Boche in disguise."  
  
Newkirk was shocked. "You mean Colonel Crittendon is here? When did that old nuisance arrive?"  
  
LeBeau raised his fist to Newkirk's nose. "Are all the British this stupid? You, mon ami, were the one who broke my nose. Now, do you want to spend the rest of your life in there? Kinch has come up with a plan to get that girl out of here."  
  
"Colonel Hogan didn't come up with one?"  
  
"No," LeBeau looked around for listeners and spies. "He suggested some very violent ways of killing her, then went to bed. He was talking to himself all night. I think mon Colonel has finally snapped."  
  
"It was bound to happen. Now, how do we get rid of the girl?"  
  
"Well, we will bribe Emily with your coat and hat. I've seen her looking at them many times. Then we will give them to her, put her in Burkhalter's car, and we'll never hear from her again. Hopefully we'll never hear from Burkhalter again, either."  
  
Newkirk protested to giving up his clothes. "But the only reason she was staring at my coat and hat was because I was in them! I like these! I don't want to give them to her!" "Stop being a baby. Would you rather keep the hat, AND the girl?"  
  
Newkirk threw the coat at him and slammed the hat over LeBeau's eyes.  
  
  
  
The next morning there came a knock on the barracks door. Kinch opened it, looking purely terrified at who it might be.  
  
A girl came bursting into the room. "Hello, is this Stalag 13?" She glanced around the room. " LIKE, IT'S CARTER! SNUGGLE-UMS!"  
  
Carter dashed to Hogan's quarters, screaming.  
  
"AAAHHHH!!!!!" Yelled LeBeau, as he was, once again, trampled flat first by Carter, then by the new girl in hot pursuit.  
  
"Hey Lisa, nice of you to join me!" Called Emily from her place in the footlocker.  
  
"THIS IS LIKE, SO, LIKE, TOTALLY AWESOME! LIKE, CARTER'S HERE! OR, LIKE, CARTER WAS, LIKE, HERE! I, LIKE, TOTALLY WONDER, LIKE, WHERE IS HE? HE, LIKE, TOTALLY, LIKE, DISAPPEARED!" Commented Lisa.  
  
Hogan got up from the bunk, where he'd been staring at the ceiling for the past night, and walked over to where the two girls were chatting. He opened the footlocker and removed Emily and the coat and hat she was clinging to.  
  
"WOW, DID YOU, LIKE, SLEEP, LIKE, IN THERE? YOUR HAIR IS, LIKE, SO, LIKE, FRIZZY! YOU, LIKE, SO NEED, LIKE, YOUR HAIR, LIKE, WASHED!" Lisa pointed out.  
  
Hogan tucked Emily under one arm and Lisa under the other. He strode outside and dumped them in Burkhalter's car. Then he walked off, whistling.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Burkhalter's moving car, the girls were starting trouble. "WOW, LIKE, WOULD YOU, LIKE, BELIEVE THIS! I, LIKE, TOTALLY HAVE MY CD PLAYER, LIKE WITH ME!"  
  
"Oooh! Let's play this CD!"  
  
*BLAM!!!!!* The car blew up from intensity of the sound waves from the "music". General Burkhalter found himself facedown in another mud puddle, with a dazed guard sitting on him.  
  
Emily and Lisa found themselves back in their rooms, staring at the pictures on Newkirk and Carter. And in Emily's case, cuddling her new coat and hat.  
  
The boys at Stalag 13 recovered nicely, although it is said that Newkirk didn't go out with girls named Emily anymore, and that Carter stayed well away from girls called Lisa. As for Colonel Robert E. Hogan, his crazy schemes got even crazier; naturally, no one was able to tell the difference.  
  
The End  
  
A/N: I like reviews as much as the next author, but please keep in mind "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"! I feel really ashamed of myself, putting my story up here with all these masterpieces! 


	2. Poor Allied Soldiers

Poor Allied Soldiers  
  
By Aguachica  
  
See disclaimer on last chapter. I only own the crazed distortions that I have made of my mind and my friend's minds.  
  
This is dedicated to Pitti-Sing, who reviewed twice, and is really nice. Thanks to all of the other nice reviewers. You are all my friends now.  
  
Hogan watched as a Gestapo truck pulled into camp. Four Gestapo soldiers, armed to the teeth, climbed out. Hogan frowned, that didn't seem like quite the right number for a Gestapo gang. Hogan headed closer to hear what was being said.  
  
One of the Gestapo, seemingly the superior officer, saluted and yelled, "Heil Saurkraut!" in a loud, commanding tone.  
  
Klink blinked. "Er.Heil Saurkraut?"  
  
The newcomer was unfazed. "Are you disagreeing with me, Klink?"  
  
Klink (naturally) shook his head and denied it profoundly. "Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of disagreeing with you. 'Heil Sauerkraut' just has such a nice ring to it, don't you think?"  
  
The Gestapo agents muttered to each other, comparing and exchanging orders. Finally one of them muttered, "Whatever".  
  
The officer came up and glared at Klink. "You will bring us three of your prisoners: Sergeant Andrew Carter, Corporal Louis LeBeau, and Corporal Peter Newkirk." The agents voice squeaked when the last name was mentioned. It sounded like the Gestapo was very eager to get its dirty hands on some new prisoners. Must've run out people to torture.  
  
Klink turned to Shultz, who was standing directly behind him. "Shultz," he bellowed, loud enough to start World War 3, "Go and get the three prisoners. Snhell!" Shultz saluted and hurried off.  
  
Shultz soon came back with Carter, LeBeau, and Newkirk. The Gestapo hurried them into the truck and started it, calling back an "Auf Weiner schnitzel!" and a grateful "donkey-shorts!"  
  
Klink replied "You're welcome." and turned to Hogan. "Odd," he remarked, terribly puzzled. "You'd think that Gestapo would be able to speak their own language."  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
Meanwhile, back in the truck, the girls were changing into their normal clothes. Not in front of the men, of course. Our kidnapped boys were still in the back of the truck, unaware that they'd be better off with the Gestapo.  
  
"See, Michaela! LeBeau was there! Now we all have our men!" Said Emily, very happy that she now had Newkirk trapped. There was no way that he could hide in Hogan's quarters now.  
  
"Yeah." Said Michaela, a quiet, soft-spoken girl, but still quite a threat to LeBeau's mental welfare, mind you.  
  
"LIKE, OH MY, LIKE, GOSH! DID YOU, LIKE, SEE, LIKE CARTER?! LIKE, SNUGGLE- UMS! LIKE, MY, LIKE, SNUGGLE-UMS HAS, LIKE, RETURNED TO, LIKE, LITTLE OL', LIKE, ME!" Lisa observed before falling over into a faint.  
  
"Good-idea." said Adah, taking a sip of her fifth expresso and starting to faint too. But before she hit the ground, she stopped. "Wait-a-minute! Which-one-of-us-gets-Carter?"  
  
Emily waved it aside. "We'll decide later. Besides, didn't our teacher teach us to share in fourth grade?"  
  
The girls, or at least the ones who remained conscious, nodded in agreement. Then they all, as one, fainted dead away.  
  
Now, this would have been acceptable under most circumstances, seeing as how Newkirk has the greatest gray-green eyes, but it is generally not a good idea to faint while driving a truck that's going at sixty mph. It was especially not a good idea if you, like Emily, did not know how to drive in the first place. Sadly, their perfect little faint was interrupted when a tree appeared in the middle of the road. Just like that. Really.  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
After the girls were so rudely interrupted from their fainting session, their first thoughts were of their men. "Does my hair look alright?" They asked each other. When they were convinced that they looked pretty, they went around to see the soldiers they had kidnapped.  
  
Newkirk turned pale at the sight of Emily. "It's.It's YOU!" He cried. Emily felt a flush of pleasure that he remembered her.  
  
Carter was trying to hide behind LeBeau, who was, in turn, moving away as not to be caught between a fangirl and her prey. LeBeau looked at the two unfamiliar faces and asked the inevitable question, "Who are they?" He asked in his cute little French accent.  
  
That was too much for Michaela. She raced forward, arms spread wide, to LeBeau. Then she stopped and looked around in puzzlement. "Where did he go?"  
  
LeBeau had, indeed, disappeared. Newkirk, the man with the nice smile, had the sense to look up. He grabbed Carter's and they raced to the LeBeau sized hole in the roof of the truck. Unfortunately for them, they were brought down by 3 fangirls. Michaela climbed through the hole to recapture LeBeau.  
  
The small Frenchman sat on the roof of the truck. He was trapped and he knew this. "Oh, God, what have I done to deserve such punishment?" He prayed. His worst fears were confirmed as Michaela climbed through the hole that he had ripped open with his bare hands. Michaela spotted him and started hyperventilating and drooling. LeBeau slowly took off his hat and waved it at her a little bit. "Do you want the hat? Fetch!" He cried, throwing the hat off the truck. Michaela thought about following it, but instead dove for her hero. "I don't suppose we could talk this out? Noooooooo!"  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
Down below, things weren't going much better for the other two heroes. Newkirk was unable to move, having a rabid fangirl on top of him. He was hoping that she would hyperventilate herself to death, but rabid fangirls seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of air; must come from their heads. His shirt was getting quite damp from drool. With four of them along, they would need a bucket to bail slobber or they would drown. It was hard to decide which course to take.  
  
Carter was experiencing the discomforts of being sandwiched between two rabid fangirls, both of whom were trying their best to outdo the other and win his affections. He was unable to tell which one scared him the most.  
  
Lisa, who he had met before, was on his right, was screeching into his ear. "LIKE, WHEN IS, LIKE, OUR, LIKE, WEDDING? I, LIKE, NEED TO, LIKE, PICK OUT A, LIKE, A DRESS, AND LIKE, FLOWERS, AND, LIKE." Now that his right ear was numb, he decided to check out the rabid fangirl of his left. He wondered what cruel fate had given him two fangirls.  
  
Adah was not screeching, but she was slowly and steadily chattering Carter's ear off. She had a quieter voice, but she never seemed to pause to draw a breath. This might be caused by the fact that she was clinging to him with one arm and holding a pint-sized espresso, which she took gulps from often. It made Carter's throat wince even thinking about drinking that much caffeine. "I-saw-this-really-neat-picture-of-you-of-the-internet-and- you -had-on-the-exact-same-jacket-and-the-exact-same-gloves-and-a-little- bit-of -caffine-can-go-a-long-way-and-will-you-marry-me-and-I-love-you-and- I-heard-this-really-cool-song-called-'The-Ants-Go-Marching'-and-it-has-one- hundered-verses-and-I-have-them-all-memorized-and-I-will-sing-you-every-one- because-I-love-you-and." Now his right ear had fallen asleep. Maybe she would never get to the actual song. Too bad he would never know.  
  
He couldn't expect any help from Newkirk. His best friend was now swinging punches at Emily. Not that that did any good, but maybe it took Newkirk's stress away. Emily simply dodged the punch and continued drooling on Newkirk. Carter felt his socks growing wet. He looked down to see that the floor was covered in a thin layer of drool. He felt revolted and attempted to escape. Adah and Lisa each grabbed one of his legs and held on tight, refusing to let go. He dragged them outside with him.  
  
Adah grinned and started giggling crazily. "Oh-you-wanted-to-give-us-a-tour- of-Hammelburg?-You-are-such-a-romantic!"  
  
Lisa began to jump up and down, carrying Carter and Adah with her. Adah screamed and tried to control her sloshing drink that was in danger of spilling. Lisa paid no notice. "OH, I JUST, LIKE, KNEW THAT CARTER WAS, LIKE, GOING TO TAKE US, LIKE, SHOPPING! I KNEW, LIKE, THAT, LIKE, THE MAN WAS, LIKE, FUN!" She hugged Carter tighter. Carter tried to communicate with her that he was choking by whimpering pitifully. She ignored him.  
  
"LIKE, CARTER? I, LIKE, FORGOT MY, LIKE, PURSE, SO WOULD YOU, LIKE, BE A DEAR AND, LIKE, LET ME BORROW SOME MONEY, LIKE, TO PAY FOR MY, LIKE, STUFF?" Carter whimpered and began twisting and clawing, trying to escape. The girls just held him tighter.  
  
Lisa smiled. "I, LIKE, KNEW YOU WOULD, LIKE, HELP OUT, LIKE, POOR LITTLE, LIKE ME! DID YOU HEAR, LIKE, THAT, ADAH? CARTER-UMS SAID, LIKE, THAT HE WOULD, LIKE, BUY US ANYTHING WE, LIKE, WANTED!"  
  
Adah's eyes widened. "WOW!-Thank-you-Carter!-I-know-I-had-a-list -somewhere- in-my-purse.-Wait-a-moment." Adah began fishing around in her purse, which seemed to contain everything except money. Adah finally held up a long list, which seemed to be made up of exclusively priced coffee items. That was too much for Carter. He fainted and was dragged off by the fangirls, perhaps never to be seen again.  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
LeBeau sat, motionless and terrified, on the top of the ruined truck. Michaela was curled up on his lap. Every time he tried to move her angelic arms grabbed him in a headlock. LeBeau had long since abandoned any hope of escaping.  
  
He could hear Newkirk sobbing from below. Emily must have really been torturing him.  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
Newkirk screamed for mercy as Emily kissed him all over his face. Kicking didn't seem to discourage her either. Unexpectedly, one of his fists collided with her head. She stopped in mid-kiss and an evil grin spread over her face. Newkirk cowered in fear, wondering what he had done.  
  
Emily muttered to herself for a moment. He could make out "Yes, that is what I must do." And "Why must I be held back?"  
  
Emily seemed to reach a conclusion, for she reached into her pocket and took out a rope. Newkirk would have wondered how she fit a rope in her pocket if he hadn't been too worried about what she would do with it.  
  
His worst fears were confirmed when she tied him to the side of the car. She gave him a quick kiss and reassured him she would be back soon. She leapt out of the truck, screaming "More! I must have more!" But what could she want more of?  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
Carter stared with wide, blue eyes at the paper in front of him. It was huge! Taller then he was! It was a receipt. He had never known that two girls could buy that much stuff on one shopping trip.  
  
He gulped as he checked his wallet. He knew that he probably could not pay for those purchases if he sold the United States to Germany. There was only one thing he could do. He summoned up all of his courage and, in his best German growl, snarled "Send the bill to Major Wolfgang Hochstetter. Gestapo."  
  
The storekeeper gasped. "Bill it to an important Gestapo Major? Why, I could be imprisoned for that!"  
  
Carter crossed his fingers behind his back and screamed, "Do you dare to question the Gestapo? I hear they need men your age on the Russian Front!"  
  
The storekeeper stammered, "But.But.Sir, I am fifty, and I am out of shape and I have gray hair. You wouldn't send an old man like me to the Russian Front, would you?  
  
He paled noticeably as Carter slowly nodded. "The Major's tab it is, sir."  
  
Carter breathed a huge sigh of relief. He wouldn't have to pay the bill. $1,567.98 was a lot of money for clothes. And the storekeeper would be able to retire if Hochstetter ever paid up.  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
The girls (Lisa and Adah) walked down the street with Carter in tow. They had trouble walking with their huge bags, so they gave them to Carter. The girls were chatting, if you can call talking non-stop without hearing the other person "chatting".  
  
Suddenly, a cloaked (No, not a super girl type; that would be caped, this was cloaked) figure came hurtling toward them, bulldozing shoppers out of the way. She dashed up, grabbed Carter, and ran away at the speed of light. Carter screamed, realizing that this probably wasn't a rescue.  
  
Lisa stopped and Adah ran into her. They tried to catch their balance and not to drop all the bags that had been shoved into their arms. Lisa failed and collapsed to the ground with the bags on top of her. "LIKE, TOTALLY, LIKE, OOMPH!"  
  
As Adah helped her fellow rabid, drooling, foaming-at-the-mouth, slobbering fangirl up, they noticed something. "Carter's-gone! -We-need-to-get-him- back! -He-loves-me!"  
  
Lisa agreed and disagreed. "LIKE, HE TOTALLY, LIKE, LOVES, LIKE, ME! I DON'T, LIKE, KNOW WHAT, LIKE, HE'D DO, LIKE, WITHOUT, LIKE, ME! POOR SNUGGLE-OOGLES CARTER!"  
  
With that they set off to find Carter, a.k.a. "Snuggle-oogles".  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
Newkirk heard people coming to the truck. He hoped it was Gestapo. He could use some kind, humane treatment around here that didn't involve lipstick. Carter soon joined him, similarly smudged with lipstick. Newkirk moved over, glad to see his friend.  
  
Carter was soon tied up and assured that Emily would never ever forget him and Newkirk, and that she would be back soon. The men didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing.  
  
When Emily finally left, Newkirk looked at Carter with concern. His young friend was hunched slightly in pain, holding his arm. "Wot's wrong, mate? Did they 'urt you?"  
  
Carter gasped out, "hernia."  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
On the roof, LeBeau saw another female climb through the roof. He hoped it wasn't another fangirl.  
  
Michaela woke from the position she had been in for the past three pages. She sensed competition. And if there's anything a rabid fangirl hates, it's competition.  
  
She stood up and drew her light saber, a souvenir of the time she had become an admirer of Luke from Starwars. "Die!!!!" She cried.  
  
Emily was prepared. She too had been a fan of Starwars. They began fencing. After a few hours, Emily delicately pushed Michaela into a nearby tree. "NOOO!!! LEBEAU!!!!!!!!!" She cried, before becoming hopelessly entangled in the branches. Emily laughed evilly and hero-napped LeBeau.  
  
~@~~~@~~~@  
  
Five hours later, Michaela had finally untangled herself. She ran to the truck. It was empty. Adah and Lisa ran up behind her. They started to say "Hi", but they saw the empty truck.  
  
"Stardom-has-taken-Emily, -then." Said Adah.  
  
"I, LIKE, TOTALLY, LIKE, WONDER IF, LIKE, WE'LL EVER, LIKE, SEE THEM, LIKE, AGAIN?" Wondered Lisa.  
  
"We may yet. We'll find them. I feel certain that Emily has found some way to take them to the future. Let's go."  
  
And so they set off to 2002, to find and rescue their men.  
  
THE END (MAYBE)  
  
Okay, I plan to, sometime in the future, write a conclusion. Would you like that? I need to keep up on my homework, so don't expect anything too soon. When you review, please remember: If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. 


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